born of flesh, destined to become iron...

becky's story, from the Giving Keys

"I picked the word "Iron" for the key, thinking of a line Maya Angelou said at Coretta Scott King's funeral. She described her friend as a woman "born of flesh, and destined to become iron." I liked that she chose iron instead of "diamond" or "stone." All three of these are formed through intense fire or pressure, but only iron can CHANGE. Iron can continually go through fire and pressure and be remade, while still maintaining its strength and without losing substance. Diamond and stone are both strong and can also change their shape, but only by being chipped at away at, worn down, losing itself. It's important to be strong through tough times, but even more important to be adaptable. To be like iron."

Rythyms

I miss the community we were connected to in cincinnati. it's funny because we really weren't very connected. people didn't know our names, we weren't part of a small group, we didn't have friends there unless we happened to bump into someone we already knew. but still it felt like home. it felt peaceful and comfortable. isn't that what the kingdom is supposed to feel like? shouldn't it feel similar and home-like? without fail, every service was hand-crafted for me. down to the minute details, it was about me and my inside-life. but it was also about matthew, individually. and every other person in the room. it was such a beautiful thing. we aren't finding anything remotely similar up here, which is really sad. yes, i understand that it is a unique church with unique leadership but that feeling of comradere should be accessible elsewhere. it's very frustrating to not be able to find it. the Holy Spirit is accessible anywhere. it's actually even promised that He shows up where two or more are gathered in His Name. so why does it seem so unattainable up here? still no answer. though i still have a sneaking suspicion that it's a learning process for matthew and me to figure it out on our own. it's far too easy to depend on someone else's time with God as a prop for our own spiritual life. it's up to us to decide on our path as a family and as individuals, and to put the necessary rythyms in place to achieve those goals. we have to make ourselves accessible to what He has for us so that we're able to receive what He has for us. it's too easy to miss the "good stuff" because so frequently it's hidden just behind the "bad stuff".

my ability to get irritated with a quickness is parallel to none. i mean, it's not like i'm raging or anything. it's just that i'm often surprised at how easily i can become genuinely irritated, usually about the most trivial or nonsensical issues. allow me share some recent examples... my husband's being nicer to me? I'm irritated. i can't make the dinner i was planning on? irritated for hours. my mom asks me to do the dishes? substantial attitude. my son wakes up from his nap while i'm looking up recipes on pinterest? you guessed it, i'm irritated. this penchence for irritation is really starting to...well...irritate me. these situations shouldn't be interruptions, they're what i'm basing my life around. i adore my husband, and have no idea why him taking concentrated effort to be intentionally considerate grates on me. my son is my world, and i'm making dinner for him. why on earth would it bug me when he wakes up 20 minutes before i planned on? good grief.

i'm taking these strides to pursue intention and to be happier but i'm finding myself and others far more annoying then i did previously. what is going on?! i feel like the more i pursue change, the more i need to change. this is not my proudest moment...

goal update sidenote: we start body key tomorrow and i started my new job as a massage therapist today! cheers to checking stuff off the list!

i realize that the point of a blog is write more regularly then what i have been. what intially began as a whim has become a full-blown obsessive life over-haul. see, i'm a bit of an extremist. i tend to be of the "either, or" mentality. i don't particularly love this about myself, but it is what it is.

so basically, i wrote on my first post some general list of things i wanted to work on or vague goals i was loosely setting for myself. one of these talked about being more 'me'. (i would like to add that this can be excruciatingly difficult for me. i don't know anyone who struggles to be genuine like I do). part of this was me allowing myself to purchase a couple of books and to allow myself time to read them. (little did i know, i was setting myself up for the answer to the question of this blog) well, I downloaded four books all over 250 pages. i have read three of them entirely. two of them have completely rocked my world. unintentionally, they're about very similar ideas, presented with different approaches. they're both about self-awareness and projects to better yourself.

www.tumbleroot.com

'The Happiness Project: or, Why I Spent a Year Trying to Sing in the Morning, Clean My Closets, Fight Right, Read Aristotle, and Generally Have More Fun' by Gretchen Rubin is the first book i read. I've picked it up several times and even read snippets out of it, but I've never brought myself to actually purchase it. this was in my top five of books to read, and thus the first one i picked through. It took me the longest to actually read because I was trying to really process what I was reading, not just power through. I'm in the process of re-reading it already to make notes and to formulate my own personal version of 'the happiness project'. google sums the book up nicely: Gretchen Rubin had an epiphany one rainy afternoon in the unlikeliest of places: a city bus. "The days are long, but the years are short," she realized. "Time is passing, and I'm not focusing enough on the things that really matter." In that moment, she decided to dedicate a year to her happiness project.

In this lively and compelling account, Rubin chronicles her adventures during the twelve months she spent test-driving the wisdom of the ages, current scientific research, and lessons from popular culture about how to be happier. Among other things, she found that novelty and challenge are powerful sources of happiness; that money can help buy happiness, when spent wisely; that outer order contributes to inner calm; and that the very smallest of changes can make the biggest difference.

I really appreciated and was most (pleasantly) surprised by her scientific approach. she pours over research for months before she began her project. she gathered information across all avenues and then broke up the findings into twelve tangible and digestible sections. she chose to focus on one section each month, with the current month building on the previous month. she managed to make intangibles slight more tangible. how do you measure happiness? you can't! but you can keep a resolutions chart! i just really loved her grounded approach.  

I think that really connecting to what it is that defines me -- not just what i choose to display or what i think i should be or what i'm told that i am -- is going to be my key to "success". if i'm meant for something specific then whats the easiest way to ensure i never get there? remain disconnected from my real self, my true heart. if i can't hear myself over the clamor then its impossible to follow to my heart. it's (far past) time to release my potential and to truly embrace the life i have and the life i want. 

the second book that i read was Jen Hatmaker's "Seven: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess". it was exceptionally powerful and requires it's own post, which will be coming soon. 

things are ch-ch-changing...! 

some other beginning's end...

i have a confession... this is not my first rodeo. i've blogged before. it was a bit of a disaster and rather unimpressive. i haven't touched it in years. but the itch has remained and is quite a persistent lil' bugger.

we'll give this a second go 'round. no expectations this time. instead, i'm going to let the writing itself do the leg work and we'll see where we end up. k? (no guarantees here, people)

why? why this? why now? now seems as good a time as any. we're at a crossroads of sorts and there are a lot of decisions to be made. i've been really impacted by virginia woolf's statement "you cannot find peace by avoiding life". i've realized that i tend to operate with an ostrich mentality. keep my head in the sand and just get by. i'm astounded by how much of life i've missed out on these past couple of years and by how much longing is in my heart now. f. scott fitzgerald said, 'i hope you live a life a life you're proud of. if you find that you're not, i hope you have the strength to start all over again.' it turns out that i'm not proud of this life i've created and i do, in fact, have the strength to begin again. life is a clay of sorts and we mold it to our liking. 

all sorts of crazy things have come to pass and now i find myself a mother of a one year old, living in my parents basement, with a job that doesn't pay the bills and a husband who is overwhelmed and discouraged. it's quite the tizzy, but it's laced with this beautiful undercurrent of hope. we are literally back at square one. there's so much much excitement for me in brokenness. there's so much possibility in rebuilding. 

i think that's where this blog comes from. i need a place to keep all my thoughts, schemes, hair-brained ideas, failures and successes together. i want to look back and tangibly see growth. i want to celebrate where we been and how far we've come. there are several main goals for this next year or so...

1. to lose weight and to get our health in check.

     - this has been way too long coming. we're both now at a point that we need to lose about a hundred pounds each. that's a staggering number. the positives are that we have a goal and a plan, which is the first step and that we're in this together. support systems are crucial for something of this magnitude

2. to find a home

     - we've had a plethora of houses in our time together. we've lived on our own, with people, separate, and communally. we've rented, we've purchased, we've borrowed other peoples roofs. now it's time to settle and to rest. it's time for a space that revives us and inspires us and brings us together. we're on the hunt for the right space and i'm fluttering with ideas to make it ours. 

3. to be better stewards of our money. 

     - we are the worst when it comes to all things financial. it's like we both missed the life course on money, and we're having to play catch up. the main focus of this for us is going to be discipline and awareness. how can we better use what we have? how can we spend less and save more? how can our money work for us instead of us working for it? how can we not be so damn broke all of the time? 

4. to be the best version of myself

     - this is the most personal, because i don't feel it's something i can speak for the mr. on. it's going to be unique to me, my struggles and my goals. while i rely on his support, these boulders are my own. there are so many truths that i know of myself that i frequently put on the back burner. its time to embrace myself, really figure out what makes me tick, and to pursue it wholeheartedly.

5. to be more environmentally conscientious

     - i've always been aware of health risks associated with our food, the impact of waste on the environment, etc but too often i find us taking the easy way out or making choices based solely on convenience. i really want to take the knowledge that i already possess and put it into practice. eating at home, with local foods, reducing waste by recycling or reusing what we can and making better choices on what we can't.  

6. to be intentional with relationships and building community
     -the idea of community has been a driving force in my life for years, at this point. i love the idea of community, i love creating safe, interesting places that encourage conversation and letting go of 'what ails ya'. i thrive on 'entertaining' (moreso food and drink. im not that funny) and having our space be the space people want to be. i want to cultivate relationships. i want to know a lot of people. i want to be a blessing to a lot of people. i crave relationships and substantial conversations the way most crave junk food. i may just be a conversational junkie.

    
i have a sneaking suspicion that this is not a complete list. i'm sure that other areas will make themselves known, and i'll update accordingly. for now, hello and adieu till next time...