some other beginning's end...

i have a confession... this is not my first rodeo. i've blogged before. it was a bit of a disaster and rather unimpressive. i haven't touched it in years. but the itch has remained and is quite a persistent lil' bugger.

we'll give this a second go 'round. no expectations this time. instead, i'm going to let the writing itself do the leg work and we'll see where we end up. k? (no guarantees here, people)

why? why this? why now? now seems as good a time as any. we're at a crossroads of sorts and there are a lot of decisions to be made. i've been really impacted by virginia woolf's statement "you cannot find peace by avoiding life". i've realized that i tend to operate with an ostrich mentality. keep my head in the sand and just get by. i'm astounded by how much of life i've missed out on these past couple of years and by how much longing is in my heart now. f. scott fitzgerald said, 'i hope you live a life a life you're proud of. if you find that you're not, i hope you have the strength to start all over again.' it turns out that i'm not proud of this life i've created and i do, in fact, have the strength to begin again. life is a clay of sorts and we mold it to our liking. 

all sorts of crazy things have come to pass and now i find myself a mother of a one year old, living in my parents basement, with a job that doesn't pay the bills and a husband who is overwhelmed and discouraged. it's quite the tizzy, but it's laced with this beautiful undercurrent of hope. we are literally back at square one. there's so much much excitement for me in brokenness. there's so much possibility in rebuilding. 

i think that's where this blog comes from. i need a place to keep all my thoughts, schemes, hair-brained ideas, failures and successes together. i want to look back and tangibly see growth. i want to celebrate where we been and how far we've come. there are several main goals for this next year or so...

1. to lose weight and to get our health in check.

     - this has been way too long coming. we're both now at a point that we need to lose about a hundred pounds each. that's a staggering number. the positives are that we have a goal and a plan, which is the first step and that we're in this together. support systems are crucial for something of this magnitude

2. to find a home

     - we've had a plethora of houses in our time together. we've lived on our own, with people, separate, and communally. we've rented, we've purchased, we've borrowed other peoples roofs. now it's time to settle and to rest. it's time for a space that revives us and inspires us and brings us together. we're on the hunt for the right space and i'm fluttering with ideas to make it ours. 

3. to be better stewards of our money. 

     - we are the worst when it comes to all things financial. it's like we both missed the life course on money, and we're having to play catch up. the main focus of this for us is going to be discipline and awareness. how can we better use what we have? how can we spend less and save more? how can our money work for us instead of us working for it? how can we not be so damn broke all of the time? 

4. to be the best version of myself

     - this is the most personal, because i don't feel it's something i can speak for the mr. on. it's going to be unique to me, my struggles and my goals. while i rely on his support, these boulders are my own. there are so many truths that i know of myself that i frequently put on the back burner. its time to embrace myself, really figure out what makes me tick, and to pursue it wholeheartedly.

5. to be more environmentally conscientious

     - i've always been aware of health risks associated with our food, the impact of waste on the environment, etc but too often i find us taking the easy way out or making choices based solely on convenience. i really want to take the knowledge that i already possess and put it into practice. eating at home, with local foods, reducing waste by recycling or reusing what we can and making better choices on what we can't.  

6. to be intentional with relationships and building community
     -the idea of community has been a driving force in my life for years, at this point. i love the idea of community, i love creating safe, interesting places that encourage conversation and letting go of 'what ails ya'. i thrive on 'entertaining' (moreso food and drink. im not that funny) and having our space be the space people want to be. i want to cultivate relationships. i want to know a lot of people. i want to be a blessing to a lot of people. i crave relationships and substantial conversations the way most crave junk food. i may just be a conversational junkie.

    
i have a sneaking suspicion that this is not a complete list. i'm sure that other areas will make themselves known, and i'll update accordingly. for now, hello and adieu till next time...